3 replies to this topic

[Goldilocks]

Relationships … the rules of engagement …

New relationships are exciting, romantic and passionate. But, eventually we need to take off the rose colored glasses and do the hard work involved in maintaining a relationship – the forgiving, the compromising, and the loving.

This is my version of some of the ‘rules’ that can assist couples to have happy and harmonious relationships - I know that you’ll be able to add many more ……

1. Listen

Lack of communication is one of the main causes of relationship breakdowns. Many of us don’t want to listen – we think that it’s all one way and we tell the other person how WE feel (usually in no uncertain terms). Practicing the art of listening – without shouting back – cannot be underestimated. Actually hearing the content of what is being said to us, being generous in our interpretation and asking questions when we don’t understand, is priceless.

2. Spend time together

Sure, life is really busy and often it’s hard to spend quality time with our partner. All the more reason to make the effort! Regardless of external commitments, we need to make the commitment to being a couple and spending quality time together. Even if it’s just an hour each day - laugh, talk, make love, talk some more, whatever. Just do it.

3. Make love

Quality not quantity counts. Yea, some couples bonk their little hearts out, but many of us are too tired, busy or stressed to have frequent sex and we need to accept that libido levels can be very different. We need to focus on making love, rather than the number of notches on our bed post and put our sexual relationship into perspective. It’s important, but it’s one facet of a good relationship.

4. Create boundaries

We all come into relationships with baggage - emotional and physical – but it’s not our role to take on our partner’s baggage – in fact, we are doing them a favor if we say - “I can’t fix that, it’s your responsibility.” Addictions, violence, destructive behavior are where we need to draw the line and, if necessary, get help for them and ourselves.

5. Be faithful

Many relationships survive sexual infidelity but it’s the breach of trust which creates the most serious wounds. Strangely, emotional infidelity can be just as big a deal breaker and just as damaging. If we want to create trust and have honest, happy relationships then we need to commit sexually and emotionally to our partners. As for serial infidelity, well that’s just not on.

6. Relinquish control

Control stems from fear and we frequently tighten the reins on our partners to feel safe and to reassure ourselves that we’re in charge. However, letting go of control is more likely to create a loving, trusting environment than clamping on the handcuffs. By the same token, we mustn’t allow our partners to control us – we need to listen to their point of view but tell them gently to back off – it’s better to make our own mistakes that live their reality.

7. Be positive

Love doesn’t survive in a negative atmosphere. Criticizing, nagging, blaming and judging are extremely demoralizing and won’t assist our partners to make any changes. Whether we’re dishing it out or receiving it, the way to deal with it is to be assertive and to be self aware. We need to take a deep breath and acknowledge that our partners will do things differently and will sometimes do things we don’t like. We can’t change them, but we can change OUR reaction to their behavior.

8. Put them first

Whilst it’s important for us to live lives that are differentiated from our partners, it’s a sure fire relationship killer to allow other people or other activities to dominate our lives. Hobbies, mothers, family, friends - and heaven forbid - exes should not take up the time and energy that rightfully belong to our partners. Exes seem to be a frequent bone of contention and while it’s great to remain friends, we need to give our partners priority, not them. We need to make the relationship special and not let others interfere – this supports us when challenges, invariably, arise.

9. Fight fair

Fighting can destroy relationships and pit us against each other, determined to have the last word. Arguments and disagreements DO happen, we are after all only human, but this is where listening, not blaming and not being disrespectful come in. Name calling is not on. We don’t have to be right and we can back down. Sometimes it’s best not to say anything at all!

10. Love unconditionally

OK, call me a romantic but I believe that it’s possible. If we don’t expect anything in return and give with our hearts then many things are possible. Accept your partner for who and what they are and don’t make your love conditional on them being perfect, after all you’re not perfect either, are you?

Hey, it’s not a comprehensive list and I’m sure you can all add many more - it's over to you now, add your thoughts!

[Skater]

Good stuff. It's useful to people like me who are in the dating game.

[Danyell]

All of those things are great. and those things are good in a good friendship, another good one is be open to change if need be. like not be so into something that you are willing to sacrifice your Trust,bond..est.. then maybe think if that thing is worth losing strenth in your relationship.

Danyell

[applehoney]

why cant i find someone who will love me 100% ?